How I'm feeling

10 things that I'm feelin'

1. Good, calm relaxed

The weather has been almost summerish this week. low 90's. clear skies. sunny days. we've been going out and taking advantage. park trips, eating fresh foods. The night comes and it's my favorite. The windows open, the crickets serenading with their sweet sweet music. The cool breeze drifting in. It feels nice. The night, in this weather? my favorite. It soothes me. the weather itself almost feels like a sweet memory, i guess because the beginning of spring/summer always makes me feel this way.

2. Anxious/Excited

I feel like I need to get up and go somewhere, or get up and move around. I have an itch, but I don't know where to scratch. Almost like there's something that's going to change soon. Something is drifting our way and I don't know what and it makes me feel anxious and yet so excited.

3. Guilty

I think as a mother and a wife and a friend and a sibling and as a child to someone you are always going to struggle with guilt. Did i spend enough time with my child today? Did I clean enough? Cook healthy enough? I should have called my mom, I wonder how my brother is. I wish i had more time to spend with everyone. Etc. etc. etc. It can be anything really. But it's there and it's nagging. Something I want to go away. I want to focus on loving myself and being forgiving with myself and reminding myself that I do the best that I can with whatever variables im working with at the time. and from day to day my best will be different because of xyz. I have to make it a habit to stop being so hard on myself. it's good to have goals, and to always be changing and growing of course. but within that there doesn't need to be guilt. just acceptance of what is, and to change it if whatever didn't make me happy at whatever given moment. i didn't like that i messed up and that's okay, i will try better next time. i will remember next time. you can start over a million times in a day. if you let yourself and if you love yourself.

4. Grateful

I try to be grateful for things everyday. And when i make it habit it gets so much easier to do. there's so much beauty in the world. so much to be happy about. My son's smile. The food on my plate. The blue sky and the trees. I really love the trees. I am so grateful that they are in my life. I can sit and just be with a tree for hours. I am grateful to be ALIVE. To be able to see the world, taste it, smell it, touch it. Life is such an amazing adventure. Everything about it, AMAZING. The good, the bad, the not so good, all of it! I am just so grateful to be able to experience it all.

5. Worried

Along with my guilt I also worry a lot. A LOT! My baby daddy is always telling me to get out of my head. I worry about the homeless, and the flowers, and the orphans in El Salvador. The elephant at the zoo. My neighbor Janet who is getting old and lives alone. I know it's not my place to worry about these things. Worrying doesn't get me anything but stress and a bad mood. I want to remember that instead of worrying that I can do something about it. Even if it's small, I can help in my own way. And then the rest is up to the journey of life. Everyone is here living their own unique journey and at the same time we are all linked up to one another in a BIG journey. I can respect the BIG journey and do my part and I can respect the little journeys and let them do their thing. Life is good, all of it and everything and everyone will be okay. In my heart I know that through the suffering and the sadness or through the struggles, each and every one of us will ultimately be okay. Even the bad really isn't bad. Just a time for learning and growing. Life is made up of choices, some made by the mind and some made by the soul. But every choice has been ours. Even the ones we think we didn't make, we did. Or at least that's how I see it. So yea I need to not worry.

6. Frustrated

Dominic is three. Three is HARD. It's almost like at this point my son is in some sort of limbo. He's not a baby anymore but he's not grown yet either. And it makes for an interesting mix. I struggle with patience and I struggle not to yell. I feel like right now I have to be so aware with what I do or say. As a baby that wasn't such a worry. he wasn't really paying all that much attention. but now he is watching everything and repeating everything. I catch him saying stuff sometimes and im like where did he learn that, it's awful, and then it hits me that he learned it from me. it's a good learning experience for sure but so so hard. he wants to fight me on everything. what he eats. when it's time for bed. when it's time to get dressed or go out. he doesn't want to brush his teeth or eat good foods. he jumps on the couches at other people's houses and calls me stinky and tells me he doesn't love me. sometimes it feels like he's thirteen not three. and sometimes i feel alone, like im the only one going through this. thank god for other blogs! it reminds me daily that i'm not alone! i love my wild thing i really do. and i give it my all everyday. but sometimes i just feel so frustrated and i question if im doing this parenting thing right. I hope I am. but when i feel judged by others or my mom tells me to remember that im the parent and he needs to remember who has control, I get frustrated because they don't understand. for those that don't have children and they judge? you're an asshole, just wait and see. and for those who's kids have long grown up? you have forgotten what it's like. Dom makes it even harder because he is stubborn, and relentless, and highly sensitive and needy. Some of those qualities will work wonders for him someday, but for now they have this mama worn out.

7. Sad and nostalgic

A very dear, good and old friend of mine is leaving to another country tomorrow. I don't know when I will see her again. She's going on an adventure and I feel so happy for her, but the selfish part of me wants to keep her here. She is like a sister and she's taking a piece of me with her. I watched her pack tonight as we talked and laughed and joked around. I helped her too.  I held back tears and pushed them back into the land of denial. Even now I can't really bring myself to accept the fact that she's leaving. We don't see as much of ourselves now as we use to when we were in high school, but that's how it is. but i knew she was here for when ever i wanted to see her or talk to her. i won't have that comfort anymore. of course we will keep in touch, thanks to technology. but it won't be the same. it's hard to let go of someone you get along with so well, you don't run into those people very often. the kind you can tell anything too. the kind that laugh at the same weird things that you laugh at. the kind that still think farts are funny just like you. the kind you can have a full conversation with just through the eyes. the kind that you can go a year without seeing and when you do see them it feels like you just saw them yesterday, nothing awkward about it, no small talk. yea she's that kind of friend. i still remember the first time i met her. big sparkling brown eyes, cute round face and bright yellow sweater and jeans. a shy warm hello and smile my way. i have loved her since then. see you later sweet friend. be happy and be safe. though i am sad now my heart is so full with hope for your fresh start and happiness. i love you.

8. peaceful

it's one thing to be happy and another to be peaceful. I have been striving for inner peace. the kind of peace that isn't rocked by outside sources. the kind that stays flexible and swaying through thick and thin. lately i have been feeling so peaceful. just trusting in the now. knowing things will turn out alright. it feels good. i have my moments, like stated above, but inside of it all i feel peaceful, those are just things i need to work on to further strengthen this peace.

9. healthy

striving to eat more nutritious foods has really got my body feelin' good. and it's so much easier now to know what does and doesn't work for my body. i have more control over what i eat at a more conscious level. it's easier to stay away from temptation. my body craves the food it needs. water, big salads, healthy fats. stuff like that. and i know im headed to a better place. and even though this food journey isn't complete i am definitely feeling healthy.

10. content

life is good. my soul and my belly feel content.

have a wonderful rest of the week lovely souls! tell me, what are some of the things you have been feelin' lately?

Happy weekending and realizations

This weekend was good, and honestly we needed a good weekend after so many shitty ones. I am incredibly tired right now, in a good way, but still so tired. Yet I felt compelled to come here and sit on this hard wooden chair in front of the computer screen to type out the words to our weekend. I want to remember this one.

On Friday we got up late and decided to eat a quick breakfast and get ready and go bowling. We took the Nooch bowling for the very first time to our favorite little bowling alley. He was so excited to get started and caught on to the concept rather quickly. I took pictures of our matching bowling shoes, his so much cuter than mine because of their miniature size. The hubs rolling his eyes because I take pictures where ever we go and for whatever we do. But I always tell him that when we are 80 he will thank me haha! We played for an hour. I got grumpy because I kept getting gutter balls. I am not good at sports, and even though I know this it still frustrates me when I lose. I always lose yet I guess it's the hope that maybe one day I'll get better that makes me upset. The Nooch one, which was totally awesome! I was so proud of my bowling baby. We ate snacks there and then headed to the arcade for a few games. Then headed home. 

I had stuck a whole chicken in the crock pot before we went bowling so the house smelled amazing when we got back. So garlicky was the air! It was my first time cooking a chicken that way so I was nervous about how it would turn out. Uh folks? I will never cook a chicken any other way! It was that good! So juicy! Of course the skin isn't brown and crispy. But for me the juicyness trumps the crispyness, and that's weird for me to say because I love crispy chicken skin! So yea we ate our chicken dinner and had a quiet night at home. 

The weather was amazing this weekend by the way. in the high 70's and 80's with blue skies and bright white clouds scattered around. Spring is definitely on it's way, I can feel it. The birds are starting to chirp and the crickets have started playing their music at night as well. You can almost feel it looming right around the corner. 

Saturday was spent at a kids museum that a friend told us about. We had a really amazing time there. Dom spent the whole time running around and exploring and climbing and touching everything. The best part being we didn't have to tell him no because this place was meant for that. We are totally going back. After the museum we went to a friends house to celebrate another friends birthday a month late haha! but hey! better late than never right? we ordered pizza and made a salad and had coke and chips. and afterwards we had smore's a la pit fire. So good! what made me the happiest about saturday is how much fun my son had. he was beaming the whole time and it was bitter sweet watching him interact with others. At my friends house he sat around the fire with us and told them about our day at the museum with details and hand gestures that made me think "where did my baby go?" It stabbed at my heart, in a good way, but it made me a little sad too. He really is growing up you know. and though he's only three sometimes i get glimpses of who he's going to be a few years from now and it scares me. i'm never going to get this time back. i have to remember to soak as much of the little bit of baby-ness he has left  before it's all gone. The chubby hands, the little voice, the hugs around my thighs. All of it, I love it and it will be missed when it's gone. 

Any who we left our get together happily and sleepily and headed home for a very relaxed slumber.  Today we woke up late and had a slow morning. We finally peeled ourselves off the couch and got ready to go have some brunch. We ate omelettes and pancakes and enjoyed our surroundings and each other. After brunch we headed to the store to buy some house plants for our apt. We picked two pretty ones and watched them get planted into their new pots. Then we let Dom roam the nursery and look at his favorite thing in the world, water fountains. This kid has an obsession for water fountains. He can look at them for hours. Anywhere we go they are the highlight of his trip. He's always had a thing for water, I wonder what it means. After a while I nudged him away and told him we had to go. 

We came home and put our plants in their rightful places and admired them. And you know what happened? After realizing this weekend how big my son was getting he fell asleep in my arms. I sat there on the couch holding him like I did that first week he came into my life. His head on my chest and my arms wrapped around him. We stayed there like that for an hour as the sun went down through the window in front of me. That moment, it just added to the ache in my heart. There he was all 40 inches of him laying on my chest in the same way he use to when he was pink and soft and little and I thought, this may be the last time. I made hubs take a picture. He snapped more than one and they came out beautiful. with the golden hour sunlight splashing around that sleeping baby and his very happy mama. i don't think i can even really put into words what i was feeling. Awe? happiness? saddness? I don't know, but I just know that in that hour our lives were shifting to a different place and I was soaking it all in. 

Once he woke up we had dinner. Inside out turkey burgers that were amazing! And then we put dom to bed. now i sit here writing our weekend out feeling the way you feel after a day at the beach. Tired, relaxed, content, happy. 

have a good week 

p.s. my writing skills are really rusty, part of the reason i wanted to start blogging. i promise ill get a little better. i hope! 

here's my crock pot chicken recipe if you wanna try it out. 

1 whole chicken 3 to 5 lbs. 

I chopped up carrots and celery and stuffed the inside of the chicken with those along with lots of whole garlic cloves (lightly smashed) 

I rubbed the chicken with olive oil and then seasoned it with pepper, sea salt, onion powder, and some thyme and dill. 

I sliced some garlic cloves and put them on top of the chicken and also some chunks of butter. 

I placed it in the crock pot with some chopped up red potatoes and more chunks of butter at the bottom. 

I let it cook in there for 5 hours on low. 

It was so good, I hope you try it and like it! Happy cooking!