How I'm feeling

10 things that I'm feelin'

1. Good, calm relaxed

The weather has been almost summerish this week. low 90's. clear skies. sunny days. we've been going out and taking advantage. park trips, eating fresh foods. The night comes and it's my favorite. The windows open, the crickets serenading with their sweet sweet music. The cool breeze drifting in. It feels nice. The night, in this weather? my favorite. It soothes me. the weather itself almost feels like a sweet memory, i guess because the beginning of spring/summer always makes me feel this way.

2. Anxious/Excited

I feel like I need to get up and go somewhere, or get up and move around. I have an itch, but I don't know where to scratch. Almost like there's something that's going to change soon. Something is drifting our way and I don't know what and it makes me feel anxious and yet so excited.

3. Guilty

I think as a mother and a wife and a friend and a sibling and as a child to someone you are always going to struggle with guilt. Did i spend enough time with my child today? Did I clean enough? Cook healthy enough? I should have called my mom, I wonder how my brother is. I wish i had more time to spend with everyone. Etc. etc. etc. It can be anything really. But it's there and it's nagging. Something I want to go away. I want to focus on loving myself and being forgiving with myself and reminding myself that I do the best that I can with whatever variables im working with at the time. and from day to day my best will be different because of xyz. I have to make it a habit to stop being so hard on myself. it's good to have goals, and to always be changing and growing of course. but within that there doesn't need to be guilt. just acceptance of what is, and to change it if whatever didn't make me happy at whatever given moment. i didn't like that i messed up and that's okay, i will try better next time. i will remember next time. you can start over a million times in a day. if you let yourself and if you love yourself.

4. Grateful

I try to be grateful for things everyday. And when i make it habit it gets so much easier to do. there's so much beauty in the world. so much to be happy about. My son's smile. The food on my plate. The blue sky and the trees. I really love the trees. I am so grateful that they are in my life. I can sit and just be with a tree for hours. I am grateful to be ALIVE. To be able to see the world, taste it, smell it, touch it. Life is such an amazing adventure. Everything about it, AMAZING. The good, the bad, the not so good, all of it! I am just so grateful to be able to experience it all.

5. Worried

Along with my guilt I also worry a lot. A LOT! My baby daddy is always telling me to get out of my head. I worry about the homeless, and the flowers, and the orphans in El Salvador. The elephant at the zoo. My neighbor Janet who is getting old and lives alone. I know it's not my place to worry about these things. Worrying doesn't get me anything but stress and a bad mood. I want to remember that instead of worrying that I can do something about it. Even if it's small, I can help in my own way. And then the rest is up to the journey of life. Everyone is here living their own unique journey and at the same time we are all linked up to one another in a BIG journey. I can respect the BIG journey and do my part and I can respect the little journeys and let them do their thing. Life is good, all of it and everything and everyone will be okay. In my heart I know that through the suffering and the sadness or through the struggles, each and every one of us will ultimately be okay. Even the bad really isn't bad. Just a time for learning and growing. Life is made up of choices, some made by the mind and some made by the soul. But every choice has been ours. Even the ones we think we didn't make, we did. Or at least that's how I see it. So yea I need to not worry.

6. Frustrated

Dominic is three. Three is HARD. It's almost like at this point my son is in some sort of limbo. He's not a baby anymore but he's not grown yet either. And it makes for an interesting mix. I struggle with patience and I struggle not to yell. I feel like right now I have to be so aware with what I do or say. As a baby that wasn't such a worry. he wasn't really paying all that much attention. but now he is watching everything and repeating everything. I catch him saying stuff sometimes and im like where did he learn that, it's awful, and then it hits me that he learned it from me. it's a good learning experience for sure but so so hard. he wants to fight me on everything. what he eats. when it's time for bed. when it's time to get dressed or go out. he doesn't want to brush his teeth or eat good foods. he jumps on the couches at other people's houses and calls me stinky and tells me he doesn't love me. sometimes it feels like he's thirteen not three. and sometimes i feel alone, like im the only one going through this. thank god for other blogs! it reminds me daily that i'm not alone! i love my wild thing i really do. and i give it my all everyday. but sometimes i just feel so frustrated and i question if im doing this parenting thing right. I hope I am. but when i feel judged by others or my mom tells me to remember that im the parent and he needs to remember who has control, I get frustrated because they don't understand. for those that don't have children and they judge? you're an asshole, just wait and see. and for those who's kids have long grown up? you have forgotten what it's like. Dom makes it even harder because he is stubborn, and relentless, and highly sensitive and needy. Some of those qualities will work wonders for him someday, but for now they have this mama worn out.

7. Sad and nostalgic

A very dear, good and old friend of mine is leaving to another country tomorrow. I don't know when I will see her again. She's going on an adventure and I feel so happy for her, but the selfish part of me wants to keep her here. She is like a sister and she's taking a piece of me with her. I watched her pack tonight as we talked and laughed and joked around. I helped her too.  I held back tears and pushed them back into the land of denial. Even now I can't really bring myself to accept the fact that she's leaving. We don't see as much of ourselves now as we use to when we were in high school, but that's how it is. but i knew she was here for when ever i wanted to see her or talk to her. i won't have that comfort anymore. of course we will keep in touch, thanks to technology. but it won't be the same. it's hard to let go of someone you get along with so well, you don't run into those people very often. the kind you can tell anything too. the kind that laugh at the same weird things that you laugh at. the kind that still think farts are funny just like you. the kind you can have a full conversation with just through the eyes. the kind that you can go a year without seeing and when you do see them it feels like you just saw them yesterday, nothing awkward about it, no small talk. yea she's that kind of friend. i still remember the first time i met her. big sparkling brown eyes, cute round face and bright yellow sweater and jeans. a shy warm hello and smile my way. i have loved her since then. see you later sweet friend. be happy and be safe. though i am sad now my heart is so full with hope for your fresh start and happiness. i love you.

8. peaceful

it's one thing to be happy and another to be peaceful. I have been striving for inner peace. the kind of peace that isn't rocked by outside sources. the kind that stays flexible and swaying through thick and thin. lately i have been feeling so peaceful. just trusting in the now. knowing things will turn out alright. it feels good. i have my moments, like stated above, but inside of it all i feel peaceful, those are just things i need to work on to further strengthen this peace.

9. healthy

striving to eat more nutritious foods has really got my body feelin' good. and it's so much easier now to know what does and doesn't work for my body. i have more control over what i eat at a more conscious level. it's easier to stay away from temptation. my body craves the food it needs. water, big salads, healthy fats. stuff like that. and i know im headed to a better place. and even though this food journey isn't complete i am definitely feeling healthy.

10. content

life is good. my soul and my belly feel content.

have a wonderful rest of the week lovely souls! tell me, what are some of the things you have been feelin' lately?